JUST WANTED TO SAY “THANKS”
I originally planned for this to be a sort of “Things I Miss” post, but when I sat down to write, it didn’t seem like the best way to channel my thoughts and energy. I’ve been keeping a list of these little things in my phone and will probably share them later.
I’ve been riding that fine line between sanity and insanity. Some days I feel completely “fine” and am happy just to wake up. A lot of other days, however, I feel lost, fatigued and stressed. Instability and uncertainty really trigger my anxiety. The smallest things have been setting me off, and I have definitely cried more in the last six weeks than the last six months.
I hate that this is happening, and things will never go back to how they were. I hate that this perfect little life I worked hard for was ripped out of my hands. I hate that everything I looked forward to is now just dreams I won’t be able to make memories.
I know I’m not alone in all of this, and I’m sure so many others feel similarly. This pandemic impacts us all and is something we’ll all remember for the rest of our lives. I’m lucky, though, that even with all my own uncertainties about the future, I still have so much. And this is not a luxury that a lot of people have, especially now.
Expressing gratitude is so fucking powerful. I often share that every night before I fall asleep, I try to write down at least three things I was grateful for that day. There are plenty of nights where I forget or am too lazy (not a good excuse, I know!!). However, the nights when I do take this time, be it only a few short minutes, I feel happier and a little lighter.
I was talking to my friend, Erik, about how important gratitude is — especially right now. While my lists differ from day to day, there are some major things that stand out.
My health — I always like to express gratitude for good health, but right now is a time that I’m extra thankful. I’m lucky to wake up every day and not be sick. I can make it thru morning workouts or hours-long walks, and I don’t think I’ve appreciated any of this more than I do now.
My parents — I was able to spend a few weeks with both of my parents, which is especially hard when we all live in different cities. Considering what’s been going on with me, they’ve endlessly been so supportive. Even if some phone calls leave me in tears, I know they want to make sure I’m okay. They’re always shipping me extra gloves or Clorox wipes when I can’t find them here and have offering to help me get thru the next few months.
My friends — I cannot stress enough how much I appreciate how fucking supportive and loving my friends always are, related to the pandemic or not. I pride a lot in who I chose to surround myself with. I love when I get a phone call immediately after I send a text saying I’m not doing okay or a long chain of celebratory texts when I have good news to share. These are people I can always count on to be there for me.
My apartment — Anyone who’s been to my place knows how much I love it. While visitors are usually eager to take photos in front of THE mirror or the roof, I get excited to share my space with them. While I’m not sure how many days I have left here, I’m so grateful to wake up in my bed in this apartment in the city every morning.
My music — I’m most definitely not creating any music, but I am immensely thankful for the music in my life. While my fests and shows have been cancelled or “postponed” indefinitely, I’m grateful for all the playlists, streams, played back sets, etc., even when there are too many to keep track off! I sit on my roof writing this while “Reborn” by Kid Cudi plays thru my headphones. I may have felt off earlier, but songs like these are ones that remind me there’s always more good to come. And so, I’ll keep moving forward...
With each day that passes, I’m never really sure what will happen and how I’ll be feeling. I can sit here and dwell on the past, both on moments good and bad, but I try to remind myself to focus on what makes me feel good. Sometimes that’s a good moment or how I’ve just noticed what the lighting in my apartment is like every day at 3:30 when I like to meditate.
I’m not sure how long this will last, and I change my mind every day on what I want my course to look like. I hope I leave this period feeling energized, excited and enthused. I hope we all feel a bit more grateful and compassionate, too.
