THE FIRST THREE MONTHS
At the beginning of the year, I had to take the California driver’s test after my Maryland ID was stolen. I studied really fucking hard for it, taking and retaking every practice test until I aced each. The day of my test, I walked in and had to wait almost two hours before getting called to the counter, take my photo and begin the test. Spoiler: I passed. Even though I was confident that I knew my shit, I was still so nervous and worked up. Looking back, I laugh at how stressed I was and feel bad about doubting myself. A few weeks later, I received my physical ID and couldn’t have been more elated. I share this example because it’s a good lesson on how I hope to not look back on my time spent during the pandemic.
Not even a full week into quarantine, I was laid off from my job. This was so, so tough. I won’t say I’m not sad about it sometimes now. In the three months since then, I’ve been applying to endless jobs. The process is tiring and stressful. I’ve had a bunch of self doubt and depleted self-esteem. I have days that are great and others that really fucking suck. I wake up most mornings super early with a mind already scanning thru 5 million different things. It can be really tough to get out of bed. I cry a lot. This is the worst my anxiety and depression have been in almost a year. I feel crushed all the time, and I hate that we’ll never be able to go back to how things were.
I try to keep busy and stay active. I’ve tried to fill my days by doing a lot of YouTube/IGTV workouts, catching up with friends and getting a chance to read and watch shows I’ve been putting off for so long. I stopped letting myself feel bad for enjoying downtime or doing things I don’t usually deem as “productive.” I have had to understand to really slow down and appreciate this time because I’ll never have this again.
I’ve been on the phone or FaceTiming than I ever have. I’ve spent more time with my family this year than I have since I left for college almost seven years ago. I got to really soak up my final two months in my apartment in SF before moving out. I get to be home for a summer (hopefully not more but we will see!). I was able to start a relationship that wouldn’t have been possible if not for the pandemic and lockdowns. In these times of craziness and never-ending uncertainty, it is incredibly vital to look at the good that has and will come.
Moving out of my apartment in SF – my home for the last three years – was hard and heartbreaking. It’s wild how different I was when we moved in and how much has happened while I lived there. I grew up and learned so much about myself. I didn’t want to leave Will after all of the memories we’d made together. I reflect on our time together doing dumb things, making silly jokes and eating just about everything and I smile. SF will always have a special place in my heart. I’m so grateful for my time there and on Vallejo Street. My life would be so different without these last three years.
These past three months seem like they’ve been a lifetime long. January and February feel like they were 50 years ago and almost like another universe. I’m always shook about what my life and priorities looked like then versus now. When I look back on these first three months, both now and years down the road, I’m going to think about how stressed I was but also how much I loved being able to spend time, physically or virtually, with the people I love most.
An absolute highlight was celebrating my 25th birthday. I wrote a little about how different last year was to this year around my birthday. Even though all the plans I had couldn’t happen and I wasn’t going to spend it with my friends, I still felt so, so loved and supported. This was my first birthday in seven years that I spent with my parents. The coolest part was that I was able to get so many of my friends in one place – a Zoom call which ended up lasting a few hours. It is so rare that I’d be able to see all of those faces in one place for my birthday.
I’ve learned a lot these three months. I’ve grown and had to revisit some insecurities I had been neglecting. I better understand my priorities and my goals. I put more time into myself. I reconnected and spent time strengthening my relationships. I opened up and became extremely vulnerable and raw. I slowed down, stepped back and recharged.
I’m not sure what the next three months will bring. If you told me six months ago what my life would look like right now, I’d never be able to imagine it. I’m feeling optimistic and hopeful. I know that I’m doing all I can, and I still deserve to enjoy my days and be happy. I truly believe everything happens as it needs to. Things will fall into place. What I can do as that happens is to make the most of my days and remember what matters most.
I want use how I look back at my driver’s test to inspire me to make the most of this down time. I don’t want to look back and regret anything. In fact, I want to be grateful for all the down time I had. I know I have the confidence within me, and I am trusting the process.
