WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES
Last Sunday, July 19, I arrived at Dulles International Airport early in the morning. Walking to baggage claim, I couldn’t help but think about my return home exactly a year ago to the date. For a refresher: this time last year I was at one of the lowest parts of my life. I arrived home ready to break at any instance. I was at a true breaking moment as my anxiety and depression, mainly due to my job at the time, got completely out of control.
I went on a two-week medical leave where I split my time between Potomac and Chicago (where my mom now lives). These two weeks, and I don’t mean this lightly, were the single greatest thing to happen while I worked at my previous job. I wrote about this last summer, but most of the months between May-mid July of last year I barely remember. Yes, I do remember the big, fun things like Bonnaroo or Pride. The day-to-day or not so big moments are ones that are lost on me. Truthfully speaking, the two moments I remember most are one virtual therapy session and the VC where my manager at the time suggest I take medical leave.
These two weeks were incredibly impactful. I felt so well rested and recharged. I spent such quality time with people I love so much. I ended these two weeks by hopping on a plane to a user research trip, and I felt the least stressed I ever have at that job. Looking back on it as I collected my bag from the belt a year later, I’m so proud of myself for the growth I’ve had in the last year.
This year when I returned on July 19, I was fresh off an almost month long trip, consisting of a ten-day stint in Fresno, a cross-country road trip, a week hanging out in Chicago and a final few days meeting my boyfriend’s family. Yes, I was feeling sad, tired and low when I got off the plane at Dulles. The difference, however, was that these were all for completely different reasons than last year. I can confidently say that this year, I also felt a bunch happier, calmer and more confident than I did in 2019.
The first six months that followed my leave, I felt on top of the fucking world. I’ve never felt more confident and happier in my whole life. I never cried, I wasn’t intimidated by big projects, I found people in the office who’d become some of my best friends. I truly began to really know and understand myself. I genuinely began to love myself. I’m tearing up writing this now thinking about how broken I was in the years leading up to this.
The next six months, however, were much more challenging and tiring, especially those first three. I had the “perfect” life for six months, and that all vanished in one phone call. Well, also, the fact that we’re in a fucking global pandemic and had an idiot as a president. I digress. As I look back at the difference between these two windows of six months, I have to admit that I’m sad. I do, though, think those first six really prepared me for the second six (and truly the many more months that are to come).
It’s been really hard, but I believe in myself and my potential. I know that if I was able to pull myself out of the darkness a year ago, I will be able to do it now. I’m so grateful for all of the phone calls, messages and face-to-face talks along the way. I’m really lucky to have the best people in the world in my life. Even on my darkest days, I know now that I will be okay on the other side.
To anyone reading this who might be going thru this or something similar, know that everything will be okay and you will make it through this. It’s scary and lonely, but you will always have people there to support you. You deserve happiness, love and success. You will get there, and this darker time is only here to prove how strong you are.
I’m excited but also nervous to see what else this year will bring. I’m trying to remember that the universe it setting me up for greatness, but also, that I need to continue to chase it. It’s not easy, but sometimes, it’s worth it.
